Book: The Emotionally
is now available in audio book format from ChristianAudio.com
- Family Life Today: Leslie will
be on Family Life Today with Dennis Rainey and Bob Lepine discussing The Emotionally Destructive Relationship
June 30th - July 2nd. Visit FamilyLifeToday for local station information
Are You Discouraged With Your
Last week I worked in my garden for the first time all season. I pulled
weeds and planted some Zinnia and Columbine. I know I’m late. I should
have done it a few weeks ago but other more urgent things took my time.
This morning I went out to check on their progress and I’m
bummed. I don’t see any signs of growth. Not one tiny poke
through the soil and I’ve faithfully watered them, doused them with
Miracle Grow and the weather has been great. I keep hoping maybe there
is something I can do to make them mature a little faster. Any
God’s creation has a lot to teach us about how
growth takes place. For example, a human embryo takes nine months
of womb life to develop into a healthy infant. No matter how well an
expectant mother cares for herself and her unborn child, she cannot
hurry her baby’s development. If she neglects her care she can do
damage to her unborn child’s growth but she is powerless to speed it up.
A Chinese bamboo plant takes five years of faithful watering and
fertilizing to see any signs growth. Yet sometime during the fifth
year, the tree sprouts and then grows ninety feet in just six weeks.
But without the regular watering and fertilizing by the farmer, the
growth won’t take place.
What can we learn from nature’s
lessons? I see people who get frustrated when they don’t see
progress in their emotional and/or spiritual growth. They read their
Bible, go to church, hire a coach or see a counselor and are part of a
small group. But they still find themselves struggling with
selfishness, envy, anger, insecurity, feelings of unworthiness, and the
fear of man. We become impatient with our seeming lack of
emotional and/or spiritual growth and conclude that what we’re doing
isn’t working and are tempted to give up. Please don’t do that.
Although you can’t control how fast you grow, you can do things that
make your growth more likely. Just as a farmer faithfully tills the
soil, waters, pulls weeds and fertilizes so that that his seedlings
will grow into healthy strong plants, we too can do things that make it
more likely that our growth will occur. And, in the same way if a
farmer neglects his crop and does not do those things, he will be less
likely to reap a robust crop.
So friends here are
three things we can do to make our own spiritual and emotional and
growth more likely even if it seems slow:
1. Plant seeds.
It seems obvious but if we don’t put good things into our mind we can’t
expect growth. If a farmer never plants his seeds, it doesn’t matter if
he waters, nothing will take root. Take time to read God’s word but
don’t just read. Reflect and ask yourself, “Is there one thing here
that I can practice this week?"
2. Pull the
One summer I got too busy and didn’t pull any weeds from June all the
way through August. I have three large perennial gardens and by the end
of summer, they looked ugly. There were flowers in there but they were
crowded and hidden by all the gigantic weeds. Pride and selfishness are
like weeds and have deep roots. When they rule our life, all the good
fruit that God might be growing can’t be seen. Weed regularly and you
may see more growth that was hidden by the weeds.
Most plants do better when you feed them. In the same way we need
to nourish ourselves as well as allow others to nourish us to ensure
our best growth. Hebrews
says, “Let us encourage one another day after day lest any one of us
become hardened by the deceitfulness of sin.” When we are blind to it
or refuse to hear the constructive feedback of others, we won’t grow
like we should. Invite trusted people to give you feedback.
P.S. I want to
welcome ALL new subscribers who have joined our community
since last month! You are going to love the resources you find to help
you grow. I'm thrilled to have you here!
Don't keep this to yourself! Forward this newsletter to your
friends and colleagues or send them to www.leslievernick.com so
they can register for themselves.
Leslie Answers Your Questions
Is a History of Abuse Doomed to Repeat Itself?
Leslie, the counselor we, or mostly he, is seeing told me that when
hubby acts one way in public and different at home, it’s because he
feels safe with me. My husband was physically, emotionally, and
sexually abused as a child. I had no idea to what extent, but neither
did I know that those experiences would hurt our marriage.
Donald Dutton, who has written a book called The Batterer: A Psychological Profile
says this: “I was dissatisfied and decided to pursue my own research
into the origins of their personalities. I covered many areas, …but
after I had engaged in this study for some time, I stumbled upon a
feature I had not expected. And this clue indicated not a
physiological, genetic, societal, or socially learned theory but rather
a psychological basis for abuse that originated in early development.”
Leslie, could you explain here, or on another post, why this happens.
Ladies, those of who have been posting, does your husband have
childhood trauma? It would be interesting to know.
have mixed feelings about answering your question. I want to tell the
truth, but I don’t want you to hear from me that someone who
experiences a traumatic childhood is automatically destined to become a
future abuser. There are many people who have experienced some kinds of
horrific abuse in childhood and have not become abusive.
also want you to understand that having empathy and compassion for the
pain your husband experienced as a child is not a valid reason to
continue to allow yourself to be abused or mistreated even if your
counselor says he feels “safe” with you.
It’s true: hurt
people often hurt people. When a child is consistently subjected to
traumatic abuse throughout childhood, the basic developmental growth
processes that make that child capable of healthy adult relationships
For example, we know that when a child’s
primary caregiver is incapable, unwilling, or unable to regulate or
absorb her infant’s distress, the child suffers extreme anxiety and as
an adult he or she is unable to regulate his or her own affect (calm
themselves down, name and process their feelings with compassion,
modulate their anger appropriately).
Add your (or view other)
comments to Leslie's answer to this question by clicking the link below.
Are You Discouraged With
Coaching Spots Available
Take a look at the upcoming
events to watch for from Leslie.
The Emotionally Destructive Marriage
Audiobook by Leslie Vernick. Plus see the winners of the
LESLIE ANSWERS YOUR
Is A History of Abuse Doomed
to Repeat Itself?
For more information on
Leslie's coaching program, please click below.
ARE THE DETAILS FOR THIS WEEK'S GIVEAWAY:
The Emotionally Destructive Marriage - Audiobook
by Leslie Vernick
Something Has to Change…
You can’t put it into words, but
something is happening to you. Your stomach churns, your heart aches,
and the tension in your marriage is making you feel weary and a little
crazy. The constant criticism, disrespect, cruelty, deceit, and gross
indifference are eroding your confidence and breaking your spirit.
For any woman caught in an emotionally destructive marriage, Leslie
Vernick offers a personalized path forward. Based on decades of
counseling experience, her intensely practical, biblical advice will
show you how to establish boundaries and break free from emotional
abuse. Learn to:
Trying harder to be a perfect fantasy wife won’t help fix what’s wrong
your marriage. Discover instead how you can initiate effective changes
to stop the cycle of destruction and restore hope for the future.
- Identify damaging behaviors
- Gain the skills to respond wisely
- Promote healthy change
- Stay safe
- Understand when, why, and even how to
- Recognize that God sees and hates what is
happening to you
To win, please use this form to submit your name and email address by midnight on Sunday, June 22nd.
The winners of Invisible: A Novel by Ginny L.
Yttrup are: Cassandra D. and Cynthia W.
|HERE'S WHAT PEOPLE ARE SAYING ABOUT
I started my coaching sessions with Leslie I specifically needed help
dealing with a separation and impending divorce from my abusive
husband. I have seen a few counselors, but Leslie's coaching has
literally changed my life. In 6 months Leslie has never told me what to
do, but instead she
asked all the right questions to understand
what was going on and then gave me the tools necessary to make the
changes myself. Through our coaching sessions I have learned how to set
boundaries, face my fears, put words to my thoughts and opinions,
kindly stand up for myself, and recognize healthy
people. What I have learned through Leslie's guidance will not just
help me through the last few months of divorce proceedings but will
help me through life. I am forever grateful for Leslie's ministry and
her investment in my life!"
|LESLIE WELCOMES YOUR QUESTIONS
wants to help you grow in your personal and relational effectiveness.
Send your questions about dealing with difficult people, stress, or
relationship issues to:
Then, visit Leslie's Blog
as she posts her responses to one question per week.
Due to the volume of questions that Leslie receives, she is unable to
respond to every question.