on Shepherding the Emotionally Destructive Marriage is for pastors and
ministry leaders, but anyone can attend. Sign up even if you
can’t attend, you will receive a link to watch it afterwards. You
will also receive a free e-book Rise up Oh Men (and Women) of God: The
Church’s Response to Emotionally Destructive Relationships and the
opportunity to preview the DVD: Counseling Strategies for The
Emotionally Destructive Marriage (Parts 1 and 2). To register, click here.
tells us, “we all stumble in many ways” (James 3:2). You
can’t live with someone very long before they will step on your toes.
doesn’t mean the relationship is broken. You say “ouch”, he or she
says, “I’m sorry”
and it’s over.
are other times where someone seriously and/or repeatedly sins against
may be betrayal, infidelity, deceit, abuse, or chronic indifference,
these sins, contrite words are not enough.Relationships are broken,
strained, and stressed when there is repetitive
and serious sin. What are we to do when we are the recipients of such
are important to God and reconciliation is an important theme in the
scriptures. God calls us to be active in working to reconcile
that have been damaged but what does it take for actual reconciliation
mandated by God to reconcile with someone at any cost? On any terms?
The answer is NO!
does call us to be peacemakers, but not peacekeepers or peace-fakers. Jeremiah warns against a superficial
reconciliation when there is continued rottenness underneath. He says, “Prophets and priests alike all
practice deceit. They dress the wound of my people as though it were
serious. Peace, peace when there is no peace” (Jeremiah 6:14)
us that God has given us the ministry of reconciliation. (2 Corinthians
5:11-21). Therefore, let me help you understand what
that looks like in real life.
has seriously sinned against us and we seek reconciliation, we’re not
looking for an apology, we are looking for a change of heart.
three evidences or fruits of a changed heart. John the Baptist said it
well when he said to the religious leaders,
“Prove by the way you live that you have repented of your sins and
God” (Luke 3:8). When someone is truly repentant, he or she will:
See: They will acknowledge and see the
hurt they’ve caused you.
Take responsibility: He or she will work
to change the things they have done that have hurt you and the
relationship. They don’t blame you for their sinful behaviors or
Make amends: They
will hard to rebuild trust.They don’t expect instant restitution when
trust has been damaged.
biblical example is Joseph (see Genesis 37-49). He was betrayed by his
sold him into slavery because of their own jealousy. When Joseph’s
came to Egypt seeking food from Pharaoh because of the famine in their
land, Joseph immediately recognized who they were although they did not
recognize Joseph. We know that Joseph had forgiven his brothers because
kind to them and gave them food, but he did not reconcile with his
Instead he watched their actions to see if their heart’s had changed.
only after Joseph saw their changed behaviors, did he trust them enough
additional help on this topic, read Sometimes
Words are Not Enough
YouTube Video: How
Do you Know Someone’s Truly Sorry?
warmly welcome ALL new subscribers who have joined our
community since last month! You are going to love the resources you
find to help you grow. I'm thrilled to have you here!
Don't keep this to yourself! Forward this newsletter to your
friends and colleagues or send them to www.leslievernick.com so
they can register for themselves.
Leslie Answers Your Questions
How Do I Get
I married my High School sweetheart and we were married for 28
years. I loved him, and was attached to him, very much, but know
now that it was often an unhealthy relationship. There were good
times, and fun times, (he is fun) but he also hurt me a lot. When
I finally said that things had to change and that we had to go to
counseling, or we would have to separate, he chose to leave, and then
he said that he didn’t love me anyway. I was devastated; I
thought he would choose to save our marriage. He put my children
and me through a lot (later, he said he was trying to teach me a
lesson), and he didn’t come back. I filed for divorce, and we
After he had been gone for 3 years, he said he loved me and wanted me
back. Of course, I said that I wanted him back, but only if he we
went to counseling – and he said he would do anything. I didn’t
let him come back into our home (my children, and family were
very upset that I was seeing him again), but I began seeing him
regularly, and I was so very happy- except for the pain of
finding out all that he had done while we were apart. He began
going to counseling with me. At the first session he seemed sorry
(he did a lot during those 3 years away that were so upsetting and so
painful for me), and he talked about how much he loved me, and that I
am the best thing that has ever happened to him, and that he wanted to
re-marry me right away.
But beginning with the second counseling session (and these were only
once a month, because of the cost, and my ex said he we couldn’t afford
it), he began to get angry with the counselor (and the counselor is an
excellent Christian counselor) and after the fourth session, he would
not go again. By then, I was already attached again to my ex, and
I kept seeing him, but, after about a year, I caught him in some lies,
and he was acting different, again. He was going back to his old
lifestyle, the porn, and the men, and women he had partied with.
I had been with him (and intimate with him) for a year and a half, and
then he abruptly walked away again, right when our youngest child left
to college, and he has now been gone for about a year and a half.
Add your (or view other)
comments to Leslie's answer to this question by clicking the link below.
Coaching Spots Available
Take a look at the upcoming
events to watch for from Leslie.
The Secret Language of
Successful Couples by Bill and Pam Farrel. Plus see the winners of
LESLIE ANSWERS YOUR
How Do I Get Over Him?
For more information on
Leslie's coaching program, please click below.
ARE THE DETAILS FOR THIS WEEK'S BOOK GIVEAWAY:
The Secret Language of Successful Couples
by Bill and Pam Farrel
Why is it so hard for married couples to get in sync with each other?
How is it that your mate can be a source of joy and of frustration all
on the same day? Marriages operate by a secret language—a collection of
key words, actions, insights, and attitudes that determine how a
couple’s relationship works. If that language is uncovered, love grows
and flourishes. If that language remains a mystery, love gets buried
behind misunderstandings and irritations.
Bill and Pam Farrel, authors of the bestselling Men
Are Like Waffles, Women Are Like Spaghetti, offer biblical and
practical insight into this language that God has programmed into each
married couple. Laced with the Farrels’ trademark humor, The Secret
Language of Successful Couples is packed with ideas to help couples
connect at a richer, deeper level. As both partners grow in
relationship with God and rely on the Spirit for insights into the
heart of their mate, they can replace their old, selfish languages with
a new one that leads to greater intimacy in every area of life.
To win this book, please use this form to submit your name and
email address by midnight on Sunday, April 13th.
The winners of The Emotionally Destructive Relationship
book & CD with Study Guide and Leader's Guide are: Denise and
|HERE'S WHAT PEOPLE ARE SAYING ABOUT
"Coaching with Leslie
Vernick helped me recognize
and replace my old destructive relational habits with healthy new ways
to approach my spouse. Now I’m beginning to live and relate from my
CORE, a place that keeps me focused on the LORD and is so strong to
rescue me from feeling like I’m drowning in my circumstances and
emotions. Now my marriage is on a renewed and better track. I can
definitely see a
positive turn in my attitude and this, by the
grace of God, has invited my spouse to begin to relate to me
differently too; the LORD is at work! Leslie’s
approach was both practical and spiritual. She provided scripture
to bolster me along the way and her suggestions were right on target to
help. To anyone wanting to escape the burden of a repetitious
harmful behaviors in life I would recommend, without
reservation, Leslie Vernick as a coach!"
|LESLIE WELCOMES YOUR QUESTIONS
wants to help you grow in your personal and relational effectiveness.
Send your questions about dealing with difficult people, stress, or
relationship issues to:
Then, visit Leslie's Blog
as she posts her responses to one question per week.
Due to the volume of questions that Leslie receives, she is unable to
respond to every question.