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March 12, 2014


What's New?


  • Webinar Update: In case you missed the webinar discussing Emotionally Destructive Marriages with Leslie and Chris Moles, a batterer interventionist specialist, click here.  

  • New DVDs Coming Soon: Two new 2-disc DVDs.  One on The Emotionally Destructive Relationship and one on Counseling Strategies that Work for the Emotionally Destructive Marriage. Look for them in the store starting April 1.

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Four Lies About Anger


Mother Yelling at Daughter

Stop being angry! Turn from your rage!

Do not lose your temper- it only leads to harm.

Psalm 37:8


Anger is a normal part of being a human being but it can be a dangerous emotion and has the potential to wreck our relationships and our lives.

     Here are the four most common lies about anger.

   1.   When I feel angry, I must let it all out.

Too much damage has been done to people we love by blurting out angry feelings in the moment of their greatest intensity. Doing this might provide some sort of relief but it is never beneficial to the hearer or the relationship.  I liken it to vomiting.  You do feel better getting it out, but vomit belongs in the toilet, not on another person. 

Proverbs 12:18 says, Reckless words pierce like a sword and Proverbs 29:11 warns us that, “Only a fool gives full vent to his anger.”

Better ways to get some relief from intense anger is to journal or pray your honest emotions to God.  In the process, you might find some perspective on what to do with them and how to express them constructively. 

     2.    Other people or provoking situations make me angry. 

We all believe this lie at times. We say things like, “You make me so mad!” or “If you wouldn’t have done that, then I wouldn’t have reacted that way.”

 Difficult people or situations don’t MAKE us angry, although they do tempt us. What really happens when we encounter these kinds of people is that they expose us.   Jesus tells us, “It is out of the overflow of your heart, your mouth speaks.” (Luke 6:45).

What comes up and out of your mouth when you are angry exposes what’s in your heart. Often our heart is filled with self-centered lies or desires.  

Start to listen to your internal self-talk when you feel angry. For example, “I can’t believe this is happening to me” or “it’s not fair, why me?” or “I need to teach him/her a lesson” or “they can’t get away with this.” 

 Instead of blaming others or the situation we’re in, we can start to understand what the real problem is that’s causing our anger to escalate. Our own thought life. 

Then we can work to calm ourselves down (with different self talk and God’s Word) instead of demanding that life always go our way or that everyone do what we want or make us feel better.

 3.    I’m entitled to use my anger to get what I want if what I want is a good thing.

Anger motivates us and helps us to speak up against wrong, as well as take action to fight against injustice and evil in our world. Because it is such a powerful force however, the apostle Paul warns us not to sin in our anger (Ephesians 4:26).

Most of the time what we want is permeated with self-centered desires. We WANT our way. We want to be right. We want to be first, or catered to. We want our needs met.  And we’re angry because we’re not getting what we want.

James 4:1 asks us what is the source of quarrels and conflicts among us?  He says it comes because we’re not getting what we want.

Part of spiritual maturity is to learn to accept that we don’t always get what we want, even if what we want is a good thing.  Living peaceably with other people involves realizing that what I want and what someone else might want may be very different. The Bible tells us not to merely look out for our own interests (what we want), but also the interests of others. (Philippians 2:4).

The truth is anger is a powerful emotion that deceives us into using it to demand our own way. 

  4.    I have always had a bad temper and this is just the way I am. I can’t change.

The good news of the gospel of Jesus Christ is that he not only redeems us but he restores us. He changes us.

If you want to get a handle on your anger, anger is not the problem you must address. Your temper is a symptom of what’s going on in your heart. If you gain self-control over your temper that’s great, but the deeper problem that causes your anger is what needs to change.

Romans 8:5 says, “Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the spirit desires.”

How we act and live flows from what is in our heart – what we desire or want the most. God wants to rearrange the desires of our heart so that we no longer want our own way the MOST, but rather we want to please him and love him and others.

When God changes our heart it’s not that we never get angry, but we no longer want to use our anger as a weapon to demand our own way, prove our point or make sure everyone knows we’re right. We don’t want to hold onto grudges, nurse resentment or harbor bitterness in our heart. Instead we want to forgive and reconcile.

When Jesus changes our heart, instead of only wanting MY way, I want to look out for the interests of others because I care about them and therefore I hold my anger in check when I’m not getting what I want and weigh that with what other’s might want or need.

How?  I’ve had a change of heart and I no longer see myself as the most important person. I am no longer at the center of my life, Jesus is. 

Becoming more and more like Jesus is not just trying to do the right thing, but wanting to do the right thing and then learning how.

James tells us to be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for a man’s anger (or a woman’s anger) does not produce the righteous life that God desires. (James1:19,20)

For more practical help to live a godly life, see my book, How to Live Right When Your Life Goes Wrong. There is now available a companion study guide and leaders guide for group study.

 

 How to Live Right When Your Life Goes Wrong


 

 

P.S. I want to warmly welcome ALL new subscribers who have joined our community since last month! You are going to love the resources you find to help you grow. I'm thrilled to have you here!

P.P.S. Don't keep this to yourself! Forward this newsletter to your friends and colleagues or send them to www.leslievernick.com so they can register for themselves.

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Leslie Answers Your Questions


For Better or Worse - What does that mean?

Question:  Thank you for your answer on this issue and I concur 100 percent. Can I ask this question….What about the vow we all say before God…’for better for worse’? Do we have to stay in the marriage when it is ‘for worse’? Is that breaking our vows before God?

Answer: The traditional marriage vows that people typically recite in the United States are not taken directly from the Scriptures but from the Book of Common Prayer which was first published in 1662.

Read More >>

Add your (or view other) comments to Leslie's answer to this question by clicking the link below.

www.leslievernick.com/blog/

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IN THIS ISSUE

ARTICLE

Four Lies About Anger

 

COACHING
Coaching Spots Available

 

WHAT'S NEW

Take a look at the upcoming events to watch for from Leslie.

 

BOOK GIVEAWAY

The Emotionally Destructive Relationship (plus CD containing leader's guide and study guide) by Leslie Vernick. Plus see the winner of the previous giveaway!

 

LESLIE ANSWERS YOUR QUESTIONS

For Better or Worse - What Does That Mean?

COACHING INFORMATION

For more information on Leslie's coaching program, please click below.

Coaching Programs

BOOK GIVEAWAY

HERE ARE THE DETAILS FOR THIS WEEK'S BOOK GIVEAWAY:

The Emotionally Destructive Relationship

The Emotionally Destructive Relationship
by Leslie Vernick


Leslie Vernick, counselor and social worker, has witnessed the devastating effects of emotional abuse. Many, including many in the church, have not addressed this form of destruction in families and
relationships because it is difficult to talk about. With godly guidance and practical experience, Vernick offers an empathetic approach to
recognizing an emotionally destructive relationship and addresses the symptoms and the damage with biblical tools. Readers will understand how to:
  • Reveal behaviors that are meant to control, punish, and hurt
  • Confront and speak truth when the timing is right
  • Determine when to keep trying, when to get out
  • Get safe and stay safe
  • Build an identity in Christ
This practical and thorough resource will help countless individuals, families, and
churches view abuse from God's perspective and understand how vital it is for victims to embrace His freedom from the physical, emotional, spiritual, and
generational effects of emotionally destructive relationships.

To win this book PLUS the CD containing Leader's Guide and Study Guide, please use this form to submit your name and email address by midnight on Sunday, March 23rd.

The winners of No Stones by Marnie C. Ferree are: Judi W. of Longview, WA and Dianna L. of Dunnellon, FL.

UPCOMING EVENTS

April 4 Leslie will be speaking on Ending Emotionally Destructive Relationships at First Friday Women in Southlake, TX at the Harkins Theater. 11:00am - Noon.

May 10 Overcoming Powerlessness Banquet, Lancaster, PA

Invite Leslie to speak at one of your events.
Call us at 1-610-298-2842
leslie@leslievernick.com or
visit www.leslievernick.com

 

HERE'S WHAT PEOPLE ARE SAYING ABOUT LESLIE'S SPEAKING...

"Coaching with Leslie Vernick helped me recognize and replace my old destructive relational habits with healthy new ways to approach my spouse. Now I’m beginning to live and relate from my CORE, a place that keeps me focused on the LORD and is so strong to rescue me from feeling like I’m drowning in my circumstances and emotions. Now my marriage is on a renewed and better track.  I can definitely see a
positive turn in my attitude and this, by the grace of God, has invited my spouse to begin to relate to me differently too; the LORD is at work! Leslie’s approach was both practical and spiritual.  She provided scripture to bolster me along the way and her suggestions were right on target to help.  To anyone wanting to escape the burden of a repetitious harmful behaviors in life I would recommend, without reservation,  Leslie Vernick as a coach!"

— SH

LESLIE WELCOMES YOUR QUESTIONS

Leslie wants to help you grow in your personal and relational effectiveness. Send your questions about dealing with difficult people, stress, or relationship issues to:

Leslie@LeslieVernick.com

Then, visit Leslie's Blog as she posts her responses to one question per week.


Note: Due to the volume of questions that Leslie receives, she is unable to respond to every question.