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January 22, 2014

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Dealing with a Toxic Person


Angry Elderly Man

We all have encounters with difficult people who leave us rattled and shaken. A co-worker undermines us in front of our boss; our friend puts us down and says she was “just kidding;” our spouse rages at us and then turns everything around to make us think that it’s our fault.

Most of us would prefer to minimize our contact with people like this but sometimes it’s just not possible. We may work with them, be married to them, or have some other connection that keeps us in regular contact with toxic individuals. For a long time Christians have been taught to forbear and forgive.   While biblical in essence, most of us aren’t exactly sure how to live it out in real life.

We know that Jesus tells us that we’re to love our enemies and pray for those who mistreat us but actually doing it is much more challenging. The apostle Paul counsels us in these instances not to be overcome with evil but instead, to overcome evil with good (Romans 12:21). But sometimes it feels like evil is stronger and we struggle not to let it get the best of us.

I’d like to share with you some specific ways I have found helpful to put these Biblical truths into practice when dealing with a toxic or destructive person.

  1. Press Pause:  As soon as you feel that poisonous dart, take a deep breath and pray for God’s help. The words or behaviors of another person have just knocked you off balance and will infect you with its toxic effects if you don’t quickly apply an anecdote.
  1. Don’t panic and overreact or be passive and underreact.  Stay calm and don’t fall for their bait. Try not to take what they have done or said personally (which is very tempting to do). Remember, the way someone treats you, whether it be good or bad, really has nothing to do with you. It a statement about who they are.  
  1. Ask yourself this question:  What in this present moment do I need to learn (or change) in order to become the person I want to become? Here are a few things I have found I needed when I asked myself this question.
     
    • Courage
    • Humility
    • Generosity
    • To speak the truth in love
    • To set firmer boundaries
    • Patience
    • Not to worry so much what others think of me
    • Let go of my desire to make everyone happy
    • Not to let this person get the best of me or to make me act crazy

Believe me, it is very tempting in the moment to defend yourself, let yourself be blamed for the problem, be totally intimidated and overcome, or strike back with your own attack.  None of those ways will help you move forward with a toxic person. However, God does promise to use these painful moments for our good. Therefore, learn what you can from the painful moment and let go of the rest.

  1. Teach yourself to respond out of the person you want to be rather than how you feel in the moment.  We do this all the time by being responsible and getting out of bed to go to work even when we want to sleep in or getting up in the middle of the night with a sick child even if we don’t feel like it.

If you must respond in the moment, speak calmly, truthfully and firmly especially when you have to set a limit or say “no”. Refuse to engage in arguing, defending yourself, or circular conversations that go nowhere.

  1. Practice (and this takes a lot of work) looking at this difficult/destructive person in a different way than you have in the past. Instead of meditating on his or her faults or sin, look for her goodness, his humanness, or his/her woundedness. When we can see a person in this new way it’s much easier to allow God to fill us with His love and compassion for this pitiful person who would be so blind as to treat us (or anyone) in such a sinful way.

Having this change in perspective doesn’t excuse the toxic person or give him or her license to continue to do damage, but it does help us not to judge and empowers us to forgive him/her, even if we can’t reconcile the relationship. We can honestly pray God’s best for this person and leave him/her in His capable hands.

As believers we will surely encounter evil, but by practicing these five steps, we can learn to overcome evil’s toxic effects in us, with good.

P.S. I want to warmly welcome ALL new subscribers who have joined our community since last month! You are going to love the resources you find to help you grow. I'm thrilled to have you here!

P.P.S. Don't keep this to yourself! Forward this newsletter to your friends and colleagues or send them to www.leslievernick.com so they can register for themselves.

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Leslie Answers Your Questions


Help! I’ve Grown Dependent on My Christian Counselor

Question: I have become emotionally dependent on my female Christian psychotherapist.
In the past I have had the same issue with some of my female friends. I find myself thinking about my therapist a lot throughout the day, having conversations with her in my mind, etc.

In the beginning of our counseling I became kind of obsessed and even did internet searches trying to find out about her personal life. I felt convicted by God so I have stopped the information finding but how do I stop my mind from thinking?

I have shared this dependency issue with her and with my husband (he is also a Christian, overly emotionally dependent on me & a bit controlling). I started counseling to help me deal with my husband's health and dependency issues.

The relationship with my husband is improving, I am learning to speak up for myself, I have stopped keeping secrets from my husband and we are progressing slowly but surely with the Lord's help.

But the biggest problem I am having is emotionally detaching from my therapist. I am trying to renew my mind as God commands by memorizing scripture, having daily devotions, praying, listen to messages by Charles Stanley, Chip Ingram, Jonathan Haggee, etc.

Have you ever addressed this issue and do you have any advice?

Answer: First, let me encourage you that you have already taken some good steps. You are aware of yourself – that you are emotionally dependent on your counselor (and other females) and that it is not healthy. 

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IN THIS ISSUE

ARTICLE

Dealing with a Toxic Person

 

COACHING
Coaching Spots Available

 

WHAT'S NEW

Take look at the upcoming events to watch for from Leslie.

 

BOOK GIVE AWAY

The Long Awakening: A memoir by Lindsey O’Connor. Plus see the winner of the previous give away!

 

LESLIE ANSWERS YOUR QUESTIONS

Help! I’ve Grown Dependent on My Christian Counselor

COACHING INFORMATION

For more information on Leslie's coaching program, please click below.

Leslie Vernick Coaching Programs

BOOK GIVE AWAY

HERE ARE THE DETAILS FOR THIS WEEK'S BOOK GIVEAWAY:

The Long Awakening: A memoir by Lindsey O’Connor

The Long Awakening:
A memoir

by Lindsey O’Connor

 

On a crisp October day in 2002, Lindsey O'Connor woke from a 47-day medically induced coma. She heard her ecstatic husband's voice and saw his face as she emerged from the depths of unconsciousness. She was bewildered by the people around her who looked so overjoyed and were so thoroughly attentive and attuned to her every move. Then came the question: "Do you remember that you had a baby?"

Lindsey drifted in and out of consciousness again for weeks. When she finally and gradually surfaced permanently from her long submersion, she struggled to understand that the day her baby came into the world was the day she left it. Her awakening was the happy ending for her family and friends--the miracle they had been praying for--but it was just the beginning of Lindsey's long and frightening journey toward a new reality.

With visceral images and richly layered storytelling, Lindsey O'Connor vividly tells the poignant true story of the struggle to reenter her world and rebuild her identity. Underlying this life and death battle is a story of lost and found love, the effort to make sense of life-altering events, and the continuing search for self. This moving memoir paints a powerful picture of pain, beauty, and the unsurpassable gift of finally knowing who you are.

To win this book, please email your name to assistant@leslievernick.com with "Book Give Away" in the subject line by midnight Sunday, February 2nd.

The winners of Unquenchable: Grow a Wildfire Faith that Will Endure Anything by Carol Kent are: Kim (Streestboro, OH) and Kelly (Lakeland, Fl).

UPCOMING EVENTS

January 2014

Jan 27 - Jan 31 Java with Juli Podcast: For the week of Monday January 27th check out Leslie’s podcast at www.JavaWithJuli.com or www.AuthenticIntimacy.com

Jan 31  Emotionally Destructive Relationships (Open to the Public), hosted at Bayside Church in Sarasota, FL for more information contact Eagle’s Wing Counseling Center

February 2014

Feb 1  Emotionally Destructive Relationships (for Ministry Leaders, Marriage Mentors, Pastors and Counselors), hosted at Bayside Church in Sarasota, FL for more information contact Eagle’s Wing Counseling Center

Invite Leslie to speak at one of your events.
Call us at 1-610-298-2842
leslie@leslievernick.com or
visit www.leslievernick.com

 

HERE'S WHAT PEOPLE ARE SAYING ABOUT LESLIE'S SPEAKING...

"From the very beginning of my invitation to you and then all the way through the process of developing our retreat, you had a warm and flexible spirit that was aimed to serve the lord and our women. You delivered exactly what you said you would and it was so helpful to our women. They not only walked away with a new love to honor and serve God with their lives, but also with some new practical tools of application to be the "best version of themselves."

— Glenda Harr

LESLIE WELCOMES YOUR QUESTIONS

Leslie wants to help you grow in your personal and relational effectiveness. Send your questions about dealing with difficult people, stress, or relationship issues to:

Leslie@LeslieVernick.com

Then, visit Leslie's Blog as she posts her responses to one question per week.


Note: Due to the volume of questions that Leslie receives, she is unable to respond to every question.