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Good morning friends,
If time permits, please tune in Tuesday, February 6, and Wednesday, February 7th for a re-airing of my interview with Focus on the Family’s broadcast Finding Freedom from Destructive Relationships. Below are links to the broadcasts if you miss them on the radio.
I need prayer. Lots of it. In the next month have more on my plate than I can do well. Please pray that God gives me the strength to do what I’m supposed to do and let go of the rest. Pray that I have creative energy to write and edit what is due. I’m really feeling the pressure of all of it lately.
A few weeks ago I received flurry of responses to the reader’s question on whether there is hope for a narcissistic spouse to change. After that one of our readers asked a similar question for her husband who has been diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome.
Today’s Question: My husband and I have been married 10 years with 2 small children. We’ve never had a good marriage and it’s only getting worse in spite of years of marriage counseling. Recently our counselor suggested he be tested for Asperger’s Syndrome and it turns out that he has it. I am feeling rather hopeless with all I read. I doubt that we will ever be able to have a normal marriage. Do I stay and keep trying or do I leave before my children are negatively affected?
Answer: First, before I answer your question let me define, or better describe Asperger’s Syndrome for those reading who may not know what it is. Asperger’s syndrome is a developmental disorder along the autism spectrum in which an individual may be very high functioning and intelligent but lacks in social awareness and processing. The brain of a person with Asperger’s works differently than someone without it, especially how it processes language and social cues. He or she processes language literally and thus often misses or misinterprets what someone is saying. His focus is in the details of something and he has trouble connecting the dots to gain the big picture.
Individuals with Asperger’s lack social awareness and aren’t able to pick up on people’s non- verbal cues or intentions. For example, most non-Asperger or neuro-typical individuals (NT as they are referred to) would clue in when someone they were talking to was bored or disinterested. A person with Asperger’s would not. Asperger’s individuals have a difficult time perceiving people’s intentions, needs, feelings, or motivations and therefore often respond inappropriately in social situations. They like routine, and have trouble managing their own emotions appropriately; especially when something unexpected happens or they are under stress. Describing or labeling their feelings can become a challenge for them.
Because a person with Asperger’s syndrome has a hard time being aware of other people’s needs or feelings, he can be seen as selfish and uncaring. He often has problems managing anger and can appear rude, insensitive, and indifferent although he is usually shocked when someone accuses him of this because from his point of view he does care. He just can’t see where what he is lacking. He is neurologically unable to see things from another person’s point of view. His brain speaks a different language than a NT (Neuro-typical) person’s brain does.
Being married to someone with Asperger’s syndrome presents challenges and opportunities. So does being married to someone with cancer, muscular sclerosis, blindness, bi-polar, or a host of other difficulties. Therefore, it’s important for us to remember that all successful marriages take hard work. No individual, no matter how talented, intelligent, or spiritual, has all 52 cards in their deck. Therefore, all marriages require that we learn some fundamental lessons about acceptance, forbearance, tolerance, forgiveness, love, sacrifice, and speaking the truth in love where necessary. Otherwise, Asperger’s or not, the marriage will not thrive.
For you, the diagnosis of Asperger’s Syndrome must come as a relief after so many years of no progress in your counseling together. You and your husband have had 10 years of misinterpreting each other’s behaviors and motives. Perhaps you’ve seen him as selfish and uncaring. He’s seen you as critical and invasive. Those perceptions are tough to undue once they’re locked into place. Now you have a different paradigm in which to understand each other but the difficulties of communicating clearly remain.
Your biggest challenge as to whether or not you and your husband can make your marriage work will not be the Asperger’s diagnosis itself but what your husband does with it. Will he use it as an excuse to continue to hurt you and your marriage? Will he go into denial, refusing to admit that there is anything different about his thinking processes or his social responses? Or, will he be willing to learn all he can about how this syndrome has resulted in differences and deficiencies and is he willing to work with professionals who have expertise in helping individuals and couples with this problem so that the two of you can develop a healthier, happier relationship?
You too have some work to do if you want to move forward in a positive way from this point. Many people who discover that their spouse has Asperger’s Syndrome feel gypped and deprived of a full functioning partner. They will have to grieve some losses and let go of their desire for the deep emotional connection they longed for. However, some people with non-Asperger’s spouses also feel that loss or never have that connection either.
Your husband will continue to struggle to “get” you and you will probably feel that you’re working harder than he is to make the marriage work. Again, I’m quite sure that women who are married to men who do not have Asperger’s feel the same way at times. But in any marriage, but especially one with special problems, your anchor must always be in God, not your husband, not your marriage or your own happiness. If you can trust God through this, then you will grow and thrive through this season, even if your marriage doesn’t.
Recently a new book came out written by a husband who was diagnosed with Asperger’s and wanted to do all he could do to win his wife back. It’s called, The Journal of Best Practices by David Finch. Another resource for you is A Complete Guide to Asperger’s Syndrome by Tony Attwood.
For those who might be wondering if they or their spouse might have Asperger’s syndrome, there is a free test for it at www.aspergerstestsite.com
Friends, those of you living with an Asperger’s spouse, what do you do to cope? What resources have you found helpful? What encouragement can you give this woman?
Tags: abuse, Asperger, Marriage, relationships
Any woman struggling with the challenges of being married to an Asperger’s Syndrome person could benefit from Sally Watkin’s book, Change Your Mindset, Not Your Man
Leslie,
This is an absolutely awesome response! I have been married to my husband for 17 years. When our 13-year-old son was diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome several years ago it was obvious (more of a confirmation) that my husband also has Asperger’s Syndrome.
We have been through marriage counseling three times and he is currently in counseling for anger management. The boys (13 and 11) probably have permanent issues due to their father’s anger and inconsistent behavior.
But, like you said, it is through faith in God that we are still together. He isn’t a bad man, he’s just a confused man. Is it worth it? I have to look at the glass being more than half full and do my best to keep things as routine as possible.
It’s tough – to say the least – but changing my focus from “his issues” to “our family” has been key. I hope and pray that she will be able to do the same.
Dear Rhonda,
That’s a great testimony…we are currently getting our daughter (almost 3) tested.. can you please elaborate what you meant about your boys having permanent issues due to dad’s anger? My husband is also very explosive and I am weighing whether it is better to stay or leave. I agree about what you wrote about focus. Some things I have done is to set up goals at the start of my year. Last year, I decided to get my Master’s degree online. I had to stay up late to finish homework, while my daughter slept (plus I was pregnant at the time and had to finish my action research right after our son was born!) It was tough doing, as my husband was not very supportive. But it made me feel good about myself and good to accomplish something I wanted to.
We found out in July 2012 that my husband of 32 years has Aspergers. I was very sad when I realized that we won’t have some of the things that I had hoped we would. But, we are in counselling and he acknowledges that he has Aspergers. I believe it has helped me to let go of a number of things that I thought were odd and didn’t understand. Now I see them as how he loves and cares. We are learning how to understand each other.
I believe one of the most difficult times is when raising children. The additional members to the household and the changes that children have as they grow creates anxiety when the person with Aspergers needs routine and little change.
The NT, will need a lot of support and care as they learn to understand the Aspergers spouse and the impact it has on everyone; family, relatives and friends. The Aspergers spouse will hopefully seek personal counselling so that they are able to understand the impact of how they think on others, especially their children.
No family is perfect, God is there for everyone as they process the issues that are caused by the family of origin.
Would a person with Aspergers also have boundary issues with not knowing what is appropriate in the area of touch, possibly appearing to stalk or hover. There has never been a diagnosis, but he thinks he is a labrador, not knowing when to say no. He has been acused of inappropriate behavior with a child, but excuses it, shifts blame, mostly to the child, an adult now. He was not held accountable due to statue of limitations at the time. As a wife, and church, we have tried to set boundaries for him, but he refuses the need to because there is no intent on his part, which he says was also true with the child, who is my brother. My brother is in a same sex relationship now but says he felt different from around age 5, but as a family, we were not aware of this. He is quite a bit younger than I and was in our home when some of the abuse happened. This has taken a tole on our family and even in our church family as he refuses to set or abide by boundaries. As his wife, I do not believe anything would ever happen again, but he believes it is slanderous for me to say we would need to inform each of our children’s spouses briefly so that they were aware of the accusation. I believe he has narsistic tendencies, also. I would value your input as well as advice as to how to handle this situation.
I believe you should tell your children’s spouses so that they can take measures to keep their children safe. Whether he has intent or not, the damage is the same. But I think Jerry Sandusky claimed the same thing, “I am just fooling around” with young boys on his sports teams and he was convicted of child sexual abuse. This is not a matter to be taken lightly nor ignored. All child molesters say they won’t do it again. Do not ever leave your grandchildren alone with him. If he refuses to abide by boundaries he is untrustworthy and children should not be in his care or alone with him period.
Thank you for your response. Should he ever fully accept the allegation, and display a genuine repentant heart, should he still have boundaries with children? I cannot be with him everywhere he goes and he has recently volunteered to be a guest speaker in another school on insurance/military information and also has inquired to do this at our children’s school. This is where it gets touchy because we are holding him to a legal standard in which he didn’t receive legal consequences due to statute of limitations. He served 20 years in the military and says that the reason the abuse didn’t seem wrong to him is because he had recently been to boot camp in which modesty was loose. I constantly have to remind him the difference between many 20 year olds and a 33 year old and a 14 year old. I have many questions and concerns as you can tell, sorry.
SHould he express remorse and/or admit what he did and repent that is still not enough to leave him alone in the company of children. Many people regret behaviors or wish they didn’t do them again and they still do them again. Addicts are one. Sexual molesters are another. Even if your husband repents, if you allow him alone with young children you are knowingly putting these children at risk if you do not tell someone so that the children are protected. Certainly you cannot be everywhere your husband goes, however, if he intentionally goes places where there are children then I think you have an obligation to tell your husband that he puts you in a sitaution where you will need to disclose to the people there that he has this history. Otherwise, how would you feel if he did it again? I know you’d like to believe that’s not possible but that’s what they all say.
This is a wonderful article. My husband has AS, and while I’m not exactly neuro-typical (NT) myself, it has been a hard road. I’m trying to understand why he doesn’t understand, and he’s trying to understand why his best isn’t enough. I’m so thankful for all the resources, like yours, that I have found on our path to understanding each other. Things are getting better, but it’s a journey for sure.
My husband was diagnosed with Asperger’s about 6 months after we got married. We have now been married for almost 4 years, and it has been awful. He was also abused as a child and during our first year of marriage specifically, he was verbally and emotionally abusive (yelling, calling me names, telling me that my body was his now that we were married, playing video games for 6-8 hrs a day and not speaking to me, not allowing me to talk to my family, telling me that I was the only one hurting so why should he go to counseling…). I don’t think I’ve ever really been able to get past our first year. He has gotten a little better, but we recently had our first child and I’m afraid of what his impact could be on her. I recently left and moved in with my parents with my daughter. He has been an angry, raging mess…insists that we come home and so far hasn’t been to any counseling to deal with it. He has realized that he needs to work on his walk with God, but that hasn’t changed the anger. I am a Christian and have never believed in divorce, but I don’t think that I am strong enough to do this for years and am so afraid for the effect on my daughter. He really doesn’t see that Asperger’s plays into any of our issues and honestly believes that I am a crazy person. How do you decide to leave? I don’t want to be a single mom…I have been at home with my daughter since she was born and have always wanted that for my children…I would probably have to give that up if I left…The whole thing is just heartbreaking. Advice?
Danielle, as long as he’s in denial about how his condition affects his ability to handle his emotions and relate to people he will blame you for everything. But meanwhile get the help you need to either cope with this Asperger’s in a wise way or continue to be separate, stating what you need if he wants you to return to the marriage. If he chooses not to do so, then you’ll have to decide what your next step is. No one wants to be a single parent if they can help it. But you’ll have to pray about what is more harmful to your daughter, living apart from her dad or living with him raging all the time. Tough choices and there is no right or good answer for every sitaution.
I should also add that I have read two of your books and see that I have also started to fall into his same patterns with him in how I react to him, which really scares me. I don’t want to have that reaction and I know that isn’t who I am or who God wants me to be. I’m struggling with how to not just react when he won’t let things go and can never see anything from anyone else’s perspective, continuing to badger until someone comes to his point of view.
Danielle, you are wise to recognize that this whole thing is having a toxic effect on you. If he won’t get help, go yourself and get help. Be kind, loving yet firm with your husband that you don’t want to be badgered and then leave the room. If he escalates, leave the house or call the police. There is no easy answer here. Every turn you take will have consequences both for you and your child. You’ll have to figure out which is worse, staying home with your daughter and subjecting everyone to this, or putting her in daycare while you work and having peace at home. But if you choose to stay, I’d be very cautious about your decision whether or not to have more children. It will only make everything much much harder. I know that’s hard to hear, but it is the truth.
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